Insecurities abound. It's crippling really, and all I want to do is just rip the fucking monkey off of my back that keeps me self-conscious and insecure, that keeps me from being light and exciting, that keeps me from just letting myself let go and be happy. Do I enjoy the work that I am doing? Absolutely. It is fucking hard though, and I wonder if I am every going to get somewhat good at my job every. Will I ever get a chance to feel proud of the things that I am accomplishing.
The ways in which I feel mediocre: I'm FAT, with a big fucking F, I'm insecure, with a little "i" and I'm stupid. That's what I keep telling myself. But that's just got to stop at some point because I'll really start believing that. There's a disconnect in how I think versus the way the rest of the world thinks. I'm definitely not as articulate as I used to think that I was, and I'm not as fast at picking up things as I used to think I could. Also, I'm just really frustrated with the fact that I feel like I have nothing to bring to the table. I can't seem to place where my value is on the team. And I suppose it shouldn't really matter what is going on around me externally, but it is so hard to ignore the fact that I feel like I am the slowest one in the room.
So far I've met several BAs who are just so fucking fast and furious in how they work. It's pretty incredible what they are doing. And I look at how long I have to go, and I can't even begin to imaging putting those things into play.
It's genuinely difficult for me to follow what others are saying, and it's more and more difficult for me to remember things. My short term memory seems to be diminishing. Either that is the truth, or there is some portion of distortion in my head about that. I don't know...
If I could change things, what would I want: I would be skinnier, I would have more focus, and I would want to be more confident in who I am as a person. But I need to accept where I am. It's not like I can actually change anything around those things. Oh, I forgot to mention that i wish I could just let go of the fear. I have this huge fear that I am just going to burn out from trying so damn hard and that I am going to fail because I burn out. I need a way to live more sustainably. In addition, I wish that there was a way I could have more follow-through and execution in getting things done. I am not that kind of girl though, or at least I think it takes me a really long time to get things done.
I must have a distorted view of myself. Can I at least say 10 things nice about myself? I am truly a creative human being and that manifests in so many different ways. I have a natural eye for photography. I may not have the eye down pack yet, but I do think that it's fairly easy for me to get a good sense of what looks good and doesn't. I am a singer- very expressive in the things that I do. I am passionate about life. I am funny. Yes-- G, you are funny. I can also be a bit too serious as well- ok, that just needs to stop. Stop comparing yourself to others. What do you know is fundamnetally true about who you are? You are creative, you are funny, you are intelligent, you are sensitive, you are multi-faceted and definitely not boring. You've got a really interesting life story/background. You are a good and loyal friend, you are inspirational for others and have a really good positive energy about you. I just don't want to lose that positive energy that everyone seems to love. That is my gift, and I know that that is the gift that God gave me. I am also really good at seeing the flaws in others and their strengths. I'm also super adventurous and am excited about trying new things out :)
Genevieve- you are a a fighter. And in this consulting business, you are bound to get your ass kicked. Though it takes you a long time to get things done right now, think about all the learning that you have accomplished in the last few weeks. It truly is pretty incredible how much you've learned and how much you've been able to contribute to your teams. I think this is the most important thing for you to keep in the back of your head as you continue to progress through your career. Do not be afraid to fail and make mistakes. Do not be afraid to get your work in front of others sooner. Also, it's important to just go with a decision. Instead of deebating back and forth, you just got to trust what you have in front of you instead of trying to own everything else.... I don't know if that last sentence made any snse. All I know is that I want to be a much better artistic person and I want to be able to excell. I got to go to sleep now. Hugs G. I love you. You will get through tomorrow. You will get through it all. Just one day at a time. That's all you can do